Am I not meant to be a mom?

All I've ever wanted was to be a mom (Except for that brief time after watching the giving birth video in high school, but even then I wanted to adopt.)  I always thought that I would have at least 4 kids.  Well my plan is not meant to be, I guess.  Our "having kids journey" has been very rough on me.

It all started after Kyle and I got married.  I wanted to start having kids right away.  Kyle was a little less excited and didn't want to give up his "immature ways." (Which I think he still hasn't given up!)  The spring after we got married, I took a pregnancy test for fun and it had 2 lines.  I was so excited and couldn't wait to have a baby, but I ended up having a miscarriage the next week.  I know I wasn't even over a month pregnant, but it hurt a lot.  I was in bed for a couple days and I was really depressed.  We kept trying, but we never got pregnant.  My OBGYN got a little worried so he started doing tests on me to see if everything was okay.  All my tests turned out alright, so he sent Kyle to a urologist to get himself checked out.  Well long story short, Kyle ended up having surgery to (hopefully) fix the problem.  After the surgery, his doctor told us that we should have no problem getting pregnant.  I didn't want to wait so we were referred to The Center of Reproductive Medicine in the fall of 2007.  We started the process of IUI.  After the first try we got pregnant with Bryce (even though the day of the IUI my nurse said we probably wouldn't get pregnant with the numbers).  I love Bryce with all my heart and I am so grateful to have her in my life and would do anything for her.  I hope I don't sound greedy, but I just want more babies to love and take care of and would love Bryce to have siblings that she could play with and talk to.

Last Fall, we went back to the Center of Reproductive Medicine to try again.  We weren't able to get pregnant on our own since after Bryce was born.  We tried IUI again with Clomid this time and it didn't work.  This was really hard since it was so easy to get pregnant the first time.  We weren't able to try again due to the financial costs of everything. 

This Fall, we went back to try again.  The initial meeting with the doctor I was told that if I were his daughter the only thing he would recommend for me is in-vitro.  He let me go ahead and try IUI and we hoped for the best.  This was very hard for me to hear.  IUI was already too expensive for us that I couldn't imagine us being able to pay for in-vitro.  We went ahead with the IUI and after my first sonogram I was hit with another big blow.  I had two big cysts on my right ovary and the doctor was concerned.  I went back and had another sonogram the next month and they were still there and bigger.  The doctor scheduled me to have surgery to remove the cysts.  He told me there was no reason to do the IUI since the cysts would deter me from getting pregnant.  I was very scared.  I've never had surgery before and was told that there was a chance that they might have to take the ovary.  Well, everything went okay and I was told that I have a beautiful uterus (which I guess is not going to be used to house babies...).  After the surgery we started the process of IUI again, I had to take a week's worth of Clomid and a trigger shot before the IUI.  Well, it didn't work again.  After all the time and money and nothing.  I am so sad right now and I can't figure out why I'm not meant to be a mom.  Am I a bad person?  Am I not a good mom?  Am I being punished for things I've done?  I know that God is in charge and that what is meant to be is meant to be, but it's just hard.  It is so easy for some people to get pregnant and it's even a surprise for some people.  (Which Kyle tells me all the time not to compare myself to others. But I can't help it.)  We plan and plan and nothing works.  And now since I was so selfish to have another kid, I have ruined our Christmas.  We have to pay so much money for this process and none of it is covered by my insurance.  I guess insurance doesn't think me having children is necessary either. 
I will continue to love Bryce with all my heart and try to give her the best life that I can offer, but I still have a piece of me that is empty and I don't think I'll ever stop wanting more kids.  And telling me that "it will happen" and "when the time is right" makes it worse, so please don't tell me these lies.  I didn't write the blog to get sympathy or people to talk to me about this.  I wrote this to let people know what is going on.  I love Kyle whole-heartedly and he has done nothing wrong during any of this. I don't think I could have gotten through it without him.  Please don't think that anything is wrong with "us".  It's all me.  I'm just not meant to be a mom to more than once, I guess.